This page on Personality Disorders in included due to the prevalence of Personality Disorders among abusers. Not all abusers have a Persohnality Disorder; conversely, not all people who have a Personality Disorder are abusers. However, abusers often share many traits with people who have Personality Disorders, and often understanding how to interact or deal with people with these disorders can also be helpful when dealing with an abuser.

It appears that the most common Personality Disorder among abusers is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Many abusers are considered "narcissistic abusers", who appear to be literally unaware that their victim or other people are hurt or affected by the abuser's behavior; this is also often the case with NPD. Some sources assume that a narcissistic abuser has NPD, and some sources use these terms interchangeably. Many, or even most, sources do not address any connection between Personality Disorders and abusive behavior.

There are both differences and similarities among the various types of Personality Disorders. Only the types of Personality Disorders most common among abusers are addressed here. This is by no means an all-inclusive list of disorders, symptoms, or behaviors. Of course, this site is not designed to offer diagnosis of any disorders - diagnosis is strictly for professionals to do. However, understanding some of the unique behaviors that are specific to people with Personality Disorders may help victims in dealing with their abuse and/or their abusers.

On This Page

Some General Information on Personality Disorders	Deedee’s Rules of Engagement for BPD Land
Personality Disorder Symptoms, from DSM IV	Persuasive Blamers Going to Court Against a Borderline

Personality Disorders

There are also certain Borderline Personality Disorders that are common among abusers. Following is a brief synopsis of soem of these disorders. It is estimated that approximaely 2% of the general population suffer from some type of Borderline Personality Disorder.

A personality disorder is a pattern of deviant or abnormal behavior that the person doesn't change even though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with other people at work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head injury, or illness. There are about a dozen different behavior patterns classified as personality disorders by DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from normal in one or more of the following:

(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and interpretation of oneself, other people, and events;
(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range, intensity, lability, appropriateness);
(3) interpersonal functions;
(4) impulsivity.

Narcissitic Personality Disorder. Nearly everyone has some narcissistic traits. It's possible to be arrogant, selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a narcissist. The practical test is that with normal people, no matter how difficult, you can get some improvements, at least temporarily, by saying, essentially, "Please have a heart." This doesn't work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things worse.

What is a Personality Disorder?
Those who struggle with a personality disorder have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands of life. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are “normal” or “right,” people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities.

Recognizing a Personality Disorder
A personality disorder must fulfill several criteria. A deeply ingrained, inflexible pattern of relating, perceiving, and thinking serious enough to cause distress or impaired functioning is a personality disorder. Personality disorders are usually recognizable by adolescence or earlier, continue throughout adulthood, and become less obvious throughout middle age.

What Causes a Personality Disorder?
Some experts believe that events occurring in early childhood exert a powerful influence upon behavior later in life. Others indicate that people are genetically predisposed to personality disorders. In some cases, however, environmental facts may cause a person who is already genetically vulnerable to develop a personality disorder.

• Antisocial Personality Disorder
  People with antisocial personality disorder characteristically act out their conflicts and
  ignore normal rules of social behavior. These individuals are impulsive, irresponsible, and callous. Typically, the antisocial personality has a history of legal difficulties, belligerent and irresponsible behavior, aggressive and even violent relationships. They show no respect for other people and feel no remorse about the effects of their behavior on others. These people ware at high risk for substance abuse, especially alcoholism, since it helps them to relieve tension, irritability and boredom.
• Borderline Personality Disorder
  People with borderline personality disorder are unstable in several areas, including interpersonal relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. Abrupt and extreme mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, an unstable and fluctuating self-image, unpredictable and self-destructive actions characterize the person with borderline personality disorder. These individuals generally have great difficulty with their own sense of identity. They often experience the world in extremes, viewing others as either “all good” or “all bad.” A person with borderline personality may form an intense personal attachment with someone only to quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight. Fears of abandonment may lead to an excessive dependency on others. Self-multilation or recurrent suicidal gestures may be used to get attention or manipulate others. Impulsive actions, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and bouts of intense inappropriate anger are other traits of this disorder, which is more common among females.

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder
  People with narcissistic personality have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, are absorbed by fantasies of unlimited success, and seek constant attention. The narcissistic personality is oversensitive to failure and often complains of multiple somatic symptoms.
  Prone to extreme mood swings between self-admiration and insecurity, these people tend to exploit interpersonal relationships

A person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is incredibly egocentric, everything in their lives has to be geared towards them, and they always have to be right. They typically have the following aims:

1. They are always right, and the Non (other non-BPD person) is always wrong. Their friends reinforce this, because of the faulty perception these friends have of the Non.
2. By making the Non the bad guy, the person suffering from BPD becomes the victim and will receive sympathy from their friends, boosting their ego, and self belief that they are right.
3. By controlling the Non's life, the Non is made to believe that they are wrong. With no countering opinion available, even the strongest person will be ground down.
4. When the Non tries to break this control, a confrontation will erupt. The Non is then accused of being the aggressor and of being the bully. This is used to reinforce the "I'm right, you are wrong" mind set and the external perception that the Non is a bad person.
5. Confrontations are often staged and managed. The Non is either isolated from supporting witnesses, or the BPD sufferer allows witnesses only when they can control the perception of the witnesses against the Non.

Often when we're trying to make sense of being in a relationship, or ending one, or recovering from one with a person who has BPD or its traits, and we ask "why?" the answer is one of the following:

• Power
• Control
• Fear of Abandonment
• Fear of Engulfment
• Need to create chaos/conflict
• ANY or ALL of the above

Why is not important. It truly is not.

What is important is what are we going to do about the situation? How are we going to recover, get healthier, heal, move on.

Too much energy seeking the "why?" will only keep us from focusing on what we need to do for ourselves.

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The following Criteria is summarized from:
American Psychiatric Association. (1994).
Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition.
Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or he

Persuasive Blamers
Going to Court Against a Borderline
adapted from http://www.bpd411.org

[ Please note - many of the suggestions and tactics suggested below for going to court against someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder are also highly applicable when going to court against an Abuser. In fact, it appears that many abusers also suffer from BPD or similar disorder. ]

In William Eddy's book 'Splitting', he describes borderline and narcissists as persuasive blamers. Indeed, many borderlines are incredibly persuasive, particularly in a sprint. Over the long haul, people can generally figure them out for what they are, but when you first meet a borderline, often you like them a lot. In fact, sometimes you even fall in love with one. Since they don't have the gas to go the distance, they often engage in whirlwind courtships, and you end up married before you know them. (See Siren's Dance for a great case study of how this can happen.)  Frequently, this all too fast marrying leads to an all too slow divorce.

Going to court versus someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is another disorienting trip through Alice's Looking Glass or to Oz. Because many high functioning borderlines appear normal or even attractive while out in society, one of the greatest risks in going to court is the Elmer Fudd -vs- Bugs Bunny syndrome. You may appear to the court to be making outrageous statements about a person, who to the court, appears to be totally normal and rational. The judge might even 'fall in love' with the borderline in the sense of making a judgment that they are more believable than you. This is all too often the case because of their short term charm. You cannot allow this to happen. Since you only have control over you, exercising constraint is very important. You must not be too passive, too aggressive, too angry or not angry enough. It's a delicate balancing act in a cauldron of high emotion and slippery facts.

Contrary to popular belief and the Hollywood view, court is not about finding the truth. It is about perception. The perception of one man or woman, the judge. As a human being with limited knowledge, and limited time to collect facts, the judge is only able to make decisions based upon what is presented. Don't expect your lawyer to turn everything around at the last minute by making your soon to be ex-spouse break down Perry Mason-like on the stand.

Many borderlines are highly persuasive over short periods of time. Since most court appearances are very brief, relatively speaking, the mask that they wear while in public is difficult to see around during these brief encounters. It's not the Judge's fault. If you fail, usually it will be because there were not enough admissible facts, or you didn't prepare sufficient or persuasive enough evidence, or the lies of the other party were more persuasive.

What to do: There are a few simple things that can help with this a lot. The most important thing is to focus on evidence. Evidence is not what you say, or even what you know, but is rather what you can prove under the rules of evidence. Evidence can come in the form of witnesses, documentation or perhaps media (tape recordings and so forth). It is also important to educate your lawyer on the situation, or cheaper, find a lawyer who is already educated in matters of personality disorders. Familiarize yourself with the rules of evidence, particularly the rules of hearsay, as they are important to what you can and cannot present in court.

The borderline personality is at home in the court system. The court system is all about making black and white decisions, guilty, not guilty, divorced, are all digital states. Does this sound familiar? For the same reasons that mediation with borderlines fails, going to court is often a successful venue for the borderline personality.

You have to put on the "full armor of God" when you go to court. The time for nice is long since past. Being assertive and forcefully truthful in court is vital. Be cautious of appearing too stoic though as you could be perceived as anti-social.

Understand the process of divorce in your state as close to the beginning of the process as possible. Make sure you understand discovery, orders to show cause, preliminary hearings, Ex Parte hearings and trials. Be prepared for each of these appropriately. Being VERY  prepared for the earliest hearings, especially those involving temporary custody of children is vital, decisions reached early in the process have a way of "sticking" throughout the rest of the child's life until the age of majority (typically 18). So don't let a lawyer tell you that the initial hearings are just temporary, and not to worry, we'll fix it later. Line your ducks up early.

Know the role of each person who could be involved; the judge, the lawyers, the Guardian ad Litem, Special Masters, Evaluators, etc.

Make sure you understand projection. It is a powerful tool of the borderline in court.

Understand that borderlines have a sense of entitlement that knows no bounds. When the Vikings first went to Paris, they were given piles of loot to go away and never come back. This giving in had the opposite effect, and the Parisians had no end of problems with the Vikings for centuries afterwards. They would have been better off fighting hard the first time. The same holds true for court battles with your BPSO (Borderline Personality Significant Other).

If it is supported in your jurisdiction, get a third party appointed to mediate minor problems. In some jurisdictions, these are Special Masters, Guardian Ad Litem or private third party services. Use of these services to schedule visitation and resolve other minor issues is far cheaper than going to court each time. In addition, going to court is often such a slow process that the issue doesn't get resolved until it is too late.

Prepare for potential divorce years ahead of time. Keep a journal. Be on top of the financial dealings of the household. Keep your records or copies somewhere besides the primary residence. Get a post office box. If legal in your jurisdiction, tape record or surreptitiously video tape raging. Keep all of this secret from your spouse. While all of this feels very sneaky, you may be very glad you did this later. Understand that the court may see any current actions of your spouse under the guise of "divorce induced stress", not understanding that these behaviors have been going on for years. You must show the pattern prior to filing for divorce to be persuasive.

Understand the role of evaluators. These are the people who generally decide things like custody. The judge just rubber stamps their decision nine times out of ten. Make sure to take the evaluation process seriously.

Bifurcation is a useful tool. If you can get your marriage ended prior to deciding the issues, this deescalates the situation for the borderline. They know they have lost you, and thusly their abandonment trigger has been fired all at once, and won't have as much ammunition to fire in the future. This can speed things up and save a lot of money.

The Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared" applies doubly to this situation.

You may not believe that your spouse will lie in court. Be prepared for it as a distinct possibility. Know that it does happen in most cases. It comes from self defense. We believe in our society that even murder is justified in cases of self defense, so when their very existence is about to be snuffed out by your abandoning them, lying is justified in their minds. They may not even think of it as lying because due to their cognitive distortions, extreme feelings create extreme facts.

First impressions are important in court. Dress appropriately. Be calm. Be fully honest from the very beginning about the deficiencies of your BPSO. Don't hold anything back, but at the same time don't appear angry. Just present your case forcefully and assertively. This is hard for a Non (Non-BPD) to do because we don't want to damage our BPSOs. You simply cannot afford to be nice to the other person in court, it won't go your way. Be civil, not merciful.

Never allow your BPSO to be given a lie detector test. They can often fool these devices because they truly believe the constructions they have created in their minds.

Your BPSO can be persuasive simply by repeating lies. Repeat a lie often enough, and people will believe you.

One of the more difficult decisions is whether to bring up borderline personality disorder itself before the judge or the evaluator. If you have a firm diagnosis from a therapist who has been working with your significant other for some time, you might seriously consider it. If you have a difference of opinion between therapists, or don't have an official diagnosis, I'd say forget about it. Does that mean they win? No. What it means is that you have to focus on the behaviors not the diagnosis. You know the behaviors they exhibit because you know which lines in the DSM describe them. Most borderlines, for example, rage. Focus on the raging. If you have a witness of the raging, get that person to the evaluator and if necessary to the judge. Trying to prove that they have BPD is not helpful.

Court brings out the worst in everyone. This is doubly true of borderlines. The gloves are off, and they are fighting in their mind for their very survival. Remember the analogy from Stop Walking On Eggshells about the four year old being left alone in the mall and that's how someone with bp traits feels all the time? Well, a borderline in the middle of a divorce may feel they are being left out on the ice to freeze to death. They now know that they were right all along, and that it always was your intention to abandon them. You are now the anti-Christ. Their world view is that if they are going down, they are going to take you and everyone else who 'caused' their problems with them.

The time for walking on eggshells is long since past. Be safe, get a security system, move, whatever is necessary, but stop walking on eggshells.

Stop communicating off the record. Communicate ONLY through your lawyer or special master. While this may seem slow, ineffective, or expensive, it will be quicker, more effective and less expensive over time. Your emotional outbursts will cost you later.

Giving in early will be unlikely to produce a good outcome. Some of the best results come from fighting hard. Don't let them think you are still the pushover you were when you were with them. Don't hold back facts from the court because they may offend your significant other, in fact by embarrassing them in court, you may help cool their desire to visit court again.

Without Kids: If you don't have children, count your lucky stars, twice. All you have to fight over is things. Money, cars and homes can be replaced in time (assuming the stupid economy ever recovers). Alimony can be paid (if you are male). You might even be ruined financially, but then again, without the drag of BPD on your life, what might you be able to achieve? Most women who divorce end up with less resources than they had before. Most men end up with more, despite the fact that men most often pay alimony.

In many cases, mediation will proceed trial proceedings. We discuss mediation elsewhere, but we'll mention here that entitlement is the key feature of the borderline personality that enters into mediation.

If you are married to a borderline, but are not currently considering divorce, at least consider sterilization or long term birth control, so that you don't have to go through this with children should things change in the future. In addition, having a child can trigger abandonment feelings in your significant other and change relationship dynamics so much that divorce then becomes inevitable for the sake of the children. Read the books on divorce, and have an attorney in mind, since it is just as likely that your significant other will file for divorce abandoning you before you can abandon them.

With Kids: If you have children, the situation gets incredibly more complex and expensive. Understand the evaluation process, ex parte hearings, and definitely read all the books you can get a hold of on the subject of divorce, custody and especially the books discussing personality disorders in this context.

You may be tempted to quickly settle all monetary issues of the divorce in favor of your soon to be ex-spouse in order to focus on the children. Do not do this! First, it increases their sense that they will get everything they want (entitlement) and may induce them to fight even harder for the children. Second, it implies a feeling of guilt that is sensed by the court or evaluators.  If you can express the importance of your children to everyone EXCEPT your significant other, that is the best course. With your significant other, up until you are in court, just say, "I'm sure that we both have the best interest of the children in mind. It will all work out for the best." Meanwhile, behind the scenes, fight like hell for them.

Disclaimer: The information on this site (http://www.bpd411.org) is based on personal experiences of the authors and members of our e-mail mailing list. It is NOT meant to replace professional advice or take the place of counseling, therapy or additional personal research.

Copyright (c) 1996-2003 Turtle Island Center Family Services [1996] Incorporated

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Excerpts from Dr. Sam Vaknin's Website

from An Overview of the Narcissist, FAQ page 2

Narcissists are PATHOLOGICAL liars. This means that they are either unaware of their lies – or feel completely justified and at ease in lying to others. Often, they believe their own lies and attain "retroactive veracity". Their very essence is a huge, contrived, lie: the FALSE Self, the grandiose FANTASIES, and the IDEALISED objects.

Personality disorders are ADAPTATIVE. This means that they help to resolve mental conflicts and the anxiety, which, normally, accompanies them.

Narcissists are, in a way, sadists. They are likely to use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against those closest to them.

from The Guilt of Others, FAQ page 21

...Some narcissists are more subtle than others. They disguise their sadism. For instance, they "educate" their nearest and dearest (for their sake, as they present it). This “education” is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain, to control, to paralyse. The victim internalises the endless preaching and criticism and makes them his own. She begins to see justice where there is only twisted logic based on crooked assumptions. She begins to self-punish, to withhold, to request approval prior to any action, to forgo her preferences and priorities, to erase her own identity – hoping to thus avoid the excruciating pains of the narcissist's destructive analyses.

Other narcissists are less sophisticated and they use all manner of abuse to domesticate their kin and partners in life. This spans physical violence, verbal violence (during intensive rage attacks), psychological abuse, brutal "honesty", sick or offending humour, and so on...

from Narcissistic Immunity, FAQ page 45

...Narcissistic immunity is the (erroneous) feeling, harboured by the narcissist, that he is immune to the consequences of his actions. That he will never be effected by the results of his own decisions, opinions, beliefs, deeds and misdeeds, acts, inaction and by his membership of certain groups of people. That he is above reproach and punishment (though not above adulation). That, magically, he is protected and will miraculously be saved at the last moment....

...The narcissist is pathologically envious of people – and projects his feelings unto them. He is always over-suspicious, on guard, ready to fend off an imminent attack. A punishment to the narcissist is a major surprise and a nuisance but it also proves to him and validates what he suspected all the time: that he is being persecuted. Strong forces are poised against him. People are envious of his achievements, angry at him, out to get him. He constitutes a threat to the accepted order. When required to account for his (mis)deeds, the narcissist is always disdainful and bitter. He feels like Gulliver, a giant, chained to the ground by teeming dwarves while his soul soars to a future, in which people will recognise his greatness and applaud it.

from How to Recognise a Narcissist, FAQ page 58