Sometimes it's easy to define abuse - "he shouldn't hit me".

But at other times, it's not so simple - "is one insult verbal abuse?" "what if it's every day?" or even "my friends and family say i'm just too sensitive."

Hopefully, the information on this page will help you define your own situation.

Information on This Page

Is It Domestic Violence?	Is It An Abusive Relationship?	Signs Of Abuse
Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?	Take this quiz to see if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve it to be

Is It Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence (DV) is an ugly truth in too many lives. It is so common that it may almost seem normal. Domestic Violence is not acceptable to the individual victim and to the society.

How do you detect Domestic Violence?

- Does your spouse force you into any sexual activity? Does your spouse physically or verbally abuse you, in private or in public?
- Does your spouse threaten to throw you out of the house or divorce you?
- Does your spouse use the children to threaten you?
- Does your spouse restrict your contact with your family and friends?
- Does your spouse or his/her family make demands of money from you or your family?
- Are you forced to use contraceptive measures against your wishes?
- Are you forced to work or restrained from working outside the house?
- Do you have no control over your personal income?

Is It An Abusive Relationship?

How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship? What are the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship? The more of the following questions that you answer Yes to, the more likely you are in an abusive relationship. Examine your answers and seek help if you find that you respond positively to a large number of the questions.

Your inner feelings and dialogue: Fear, self-loathing, numbness, desperation

• Are you fearful of your partner a large percentage of the time?
• Do you avoid certain topics or spend a lot of time figuring out how to talk about certain topics so that you do not arouse your partner’s negative reaction or anger?
• Do you ever feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• Do you ever feel so badly about yourself that you think you deserve to be physically hurt?
• Have you lost the love and respect that you once had for your partner?
• Do you sometimes wonder if you are the one who is crazy, that maybe you are overreacting to your partner’s behaviors?
• Do you sometimes fantasize about ways to kill your partner to get them out of your life?
• Are you afraid that your partner may try to kill you?
• Are you afraid that your partner will try to take your children away from you?
• Do you feel that there is nowhere to turn for help?
• Are you feeling emotionally numb?
• Were you abused as a child, or did you grow up with domestic violence in the household? Does domestic violence seem normal to you?

Your partner’s lack of control over their own behavior

• Does your partner have low self-esteem? Do they appear to feel powerless, ineffective, or inadequate in the world, although they are outwardly successful?
• Does your partner externalize the causes of their own behavior? Do they blame their violence on stress, alcohol, or a “bad day”?
• Is your partner unpredictable?
• Is your partner a pleasant person between bouts of violence?

Your partner’s violent or threatening behavior

• Does your partner have a bad temper?
• Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you or kill you?
• Has your partner ever physically hurt you?
• Has your partner threatened to take your children away from you, especially if you try to leave the relationship?
• Has your partner ever threatened to commit suicide, especially as a way of keeping you from leaving?
• Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to?
• Has your partner threatened you at work, either in person or on the phone?
• Is your partner cruel to animals?
• Does your partner destroy your belongings or household objects?

Your partner’s controlling behavior

• Does your partner try to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• Are you embarrassed to invite friends or family over to your house because of your partner’s behavior?
• Has your partner limited your access to money, the telephone, or the car?
• Does your partner try to stop you from going where you want to go outside of the house, or from doing what you want to do?
• Is your partner jealous and possessive, asking where you are going and where you have been, as if checking up on you? Do they accuse you of having an affair?

Your partner’s diminishment of you

• Does your partner verbally abuse you?
• Does your partner humiliate or criticize you in front of others?
• Does your partner often ignore you or put down your opinions or contributions?
• Does your partner always insist that they are right, even when they are clearly wrong?
• Does your partner blame you for their own violent behavior, saying that your behavior or attitudes cause them to be violent?
• Is your partner often outwardly angry with you?
• Does your partner objectify and disrespect those of your gender? Does your partner see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

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Signs of Abuse

There are some warning signs that might allow a victim to determine that her relationship is abusive before she gets seriously hurt. Not all of these signs will appear in all abusive or potentially abusive relationships. The existence of one or several of these behaviors does not necessarily mean that a relationship is abusive, but it may signal that a relationship is not entirely healthy.

Warning signs of an abusive relationship include:

• Extreme jealousy
• Constant put-downs
• Telling the other person what to do
• Explosive temper
• Threats
• Possessiveness
• Preventing the other person from doing things she wants to do
• Big mood swings
• Making false accusations
• History of violence
• Isolating the other person from family and friends
• Financial control

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Take this quiz to see if your relationship is as healthy as you deserve it to be.

Does the person I am with:

- Get extremely jealous or possessive?
- Accuse me of flirting or cheating?
- Constantly check up on me or make me check in?
- Tell me how to dress or how much makeup to wear?
- Try to control what I do and who I see?
- Try to keep me from seeing or talking to my family and friends?
- Have big mood swings - being angry and yelling at me one minute, and the next minute being sweet and apologetic?
- Make me feel nervous or like I'm "walking on eggshells"?
- Put me down or criticize me and make me feel like I can't do anything right or that no one else would want me?
- Threaten to hurt me?
- Threaten to hurt my friends or family?
- Threaten to commit suicide or hurt him or herself because of me?
- Yell, grab, push, shove, shake, punch, slap, hold me down, throw things or hurt me in any way?
- Threaten to hurt my pets or destroy my things?
- Break things or throw things when we argue?
- Pressure or force me into having sex or going farther than I want to?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. You deserve better. Break the Cycle can help you evaluate your relationship and learn about what options you have.

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Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

Instructions: Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item:

Never: 0 points
Rarely: 1 point
Sometimes: 2 points
Frequently: 3 points

__ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public
__ My partner calls me names such as "stupid" or "bitch"
__ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers
__ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair
__ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to
__ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone
__ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood
__ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells
__ My partner throws or destroys things when angry
__ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me
__ My partner drinks or uses drugs
__ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do
__ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else__ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items (ie. purse)
__ My partner keeps me from getting a job or cost me my job
__ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has "money secrets"
__ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won't repair my car
__ My partner has threatened to hurt me
__ My partner has threatened to hurt my children
__ My partner has actually hurt my children
__ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets
__ My partner has actually hurt my pets
__ My partner has threatened to hurt my friends or family
__ My partner has hurt a friend or family member
__ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave
__ My partner has struck me with hands or feet - slapped, punched, kicked
__ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon
__ My partner has given me visible injuries - bruises, welts, cuts
__ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner
__ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment - doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic
__ My partner forces me to have sex when I don't want to
__ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don't want to
__ My partner has been in trouble with the police
__ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone
__ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships
__ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to
__ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner's actions
__ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner
__ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence
__ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions
__ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner

_____ TOTAL POINTS0-17: Generally Non-abusive
These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!

18-58: Moderately Abusive
This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.

59-95: Seriously Abusive
Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider getting help, even leaving.

96 and up: Dangerously Abusive
If your scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.

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