Abuse in Relationships - It's All About Trying to Control
Ironically, many batterers do not see themselves as
perpetrators, but as victims. This reasoning is
common among batterers and abusers. Most
batterers enter treatment programs heavily armored with elaborate
denial systems designed to justify or excuse their actions; many
non-physical (verbal/emotional) abusers never admit their abusive
behavior.
It's all about control. There are
varying theories about what makes
batterers use abuse on those closest to
them. One view is that batterers are hardened criminals who commit their crimes in a
conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance they believe
men are entitled to. Others believe abuse is the product of deep
psychological and developmental scars, which are not gender
specific. Experts have reached a conensus on
several common characteristics among batterers -- they are
controlling, manipulative,
often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right
to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.
One batterer who has now
gone through treatment, says "the beatings, the verbal abuse and the
intimidation were all about control. It was like having a new toy,"
he said. "I had the buttons and I could make her do whatever I
wanted. I was trying to intimidate her. I wanted to control her for
the simple reason that I knew I could do it. It made me feel
powerful."
The issues of power and control are essential to an
understanding of Domestic Violence. Domestic Abuse occurs in
relationships where conflict is the continuous result of power
inequality between the partners and one partner is afraid of, and
harmed by the other.
Although it can vary from case to case, and doesn't
take into account other forms of domestic abuse, the "Cycle of
Violence" can be used as a model for understanding violent behavior.
This cycle and its phases briefly are:
- Build-Up
Phase
- The tension builds.
- Stand-Over
Phase
- Verbal attacks increase.
- Explosion
Phase - A violent outburst occurs.
- Remorse
Phase
- You shouldn't have pushed me, it was your
fault!
- Pursuit
Phase
- It will never happen again, I promise.
- Honeymoon
Phase
- See, we don't have any
problems!
This cycle concerns actual physical abuse. It does not
take into account other forms of domestic abuse that are used to
control, such as sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and
emotional abuse, spiritual abuse,
economic abuse and social abuse. However, the cycle may sometimes
also be applied to verbal/ emotional/psychological abuse as
well.
Getting Help
There are resources available for batterers, but generally speaking many only seek
help when ordered by the courts to do so, and most states spend no
tax dollars on treatment for batterers,
usually offering only incarceration in jail or prison as a solution.
Putting the abuser in jail will stop the violence, but
usually only temporarily since no treatment is available. The
problem is, involvement of the police and incarceration can actually
trigger greater violence in some cases.
The threat of physical harm plus the economic and
physical isolation they usually find themselves in makes getting
help even more difficult for the victims of domestic abuse. Simply
leaving can provoke more and greater violence.
This often leaves victims feeling trapped and
helpless.
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Why Batterers Do What They
Do
Many see themselves as victims, but for
most it's an issue of control
By
Bill Ibelle, Standard-Times staff writer
A little more than a year ago Harold, a 35-year-old
accounting technician, jammed a pork chop into his wife's face as he
sneered ``You disgust me.''
He never imagined the incident would lead to his
arrest.
``It was a minor incident compared to the abuse I had
done in the past,'' he said. ``I realize now that no abuse is minor,
but then....''
The arrest didn't occur immediately. Over that
weekend, Harold (not his real name) continued to berate his wife,
silencing her with threats of additional violence.
``It was like terrorism in the home,'' he said.
On Sunday, terrified by the torrent of abuse, Harold's
wife called the police. The cut on her face from the pork chop bone
two days earlier was still visible, and that's all the police needed
to make the arrest.
Harold received a six-month suspended sentence with
the condition that he complete a batterers treatment program. He
entered that program convinced he was a victim - a victim of an
overzealous judicial system and of an overwrought wife.
In spite of the years of abuse, Harold didn't consider
himself a batterer. In fact, he thought of batterers as the scum of
the earth.
``Prior to recognizing my problem, I'd hear about
abuse and think, `How can these guys do that - they're just a bunch
of punks,' '' he said. ``I thought they had a big problem, but never
once thought I had a problem too. Mine was just an incident. I
wasn't an abuser.''
Experts say this type of convoluted reasoning is
common among batterers. Most enter treatment programs heavily
armored with elaborate denial systems designed to justify or excuse
their actions.
Yet, these are the same men who beat their wives in
front ofthe children, abuse them because of a cold cup of coffee,
isolate them from friends and insult them so relentlessly that they
begin to believe they are, indeed, unworthy.
There are varying theories about what makes batterers
tick.
One school of thought - the one that is in vogue at
the moment - views batterers as hardened criminals who commit their
crimes in a conscious, calculated manner to achieve the dominance
they believe men are entitled to.
The other faction - while conceding this is a piece of
the battering puzzle - believes abuse is the product of deep
psychological and developmental scars.
Despite this fundamental disagreement, experts have
reached a consensus on several common characteristics among
batterers - they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves
as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in
charge of all aspects of a relationship.
``To me, it was my way or the highway,'' said Harold.
``(My wife) couldn't even decide for herself what to cook for
dinner. She'd have to call me at work each day to ask me what I
wanted to eat that night.''
Complete control is so central to the self-image of
many batterers that even minor transgressions can trigger brutal
abuse.
``It could be as small as not looking the way I wanted
her to look,'' said Harold. ``It wasn't that she looked bad, it's
just that it wasn't the way I wanted it to be.''
Treatment professionals agree that battering is
largely a learned behavior. According to a recent survey of men in
Maryland treatment programs, 75 percent of the batterers had
witnessed abuse between their parents and half had experienced abuse
themselves as children.
``The message these men have gotten is that they have
to keep women down because if they don't, women will try to control
them,'' said David Adams, a Boston-based psychologist and pioneer in
the field of batterer treatment. ``Women are bitches, women are
emotionally overwrought, women are irrational, women are sluts.''
To many of these men, it is a woman's duty to see to
their every emotional and physical need. And when this doesn't
happen - watch out.
Because most batterers grew up in environments where
abuse was the norm, many batterers have no idea how their behavior
affects others.
``I never realized that what I did and said had a
long-term effect on her,'' said Harold of his years of physical and
psychological abuse. ``I assumed I could just say and do these
things to hurt her for the moment and then it just went away.''
As a result, treatment programs devote a great deal of
time to driving home this point.
``When the father throws a plate of food at the
mother, what does this do to a 3-year-old, to a 10-year-old, to a
teen-ager just starting to have relationships themselves?'' said
John Raposa, a counselor at the Portuguese Youth Cultural
Organization (PYCO) in Fall River. ``How about when the father bangs
a wall and the message is clear that this could be your head? Or
when the father looks at his wife and that look alone is enough to
make her shut up. What does this teach the kids?''
Batterers justify their violence and intimidation in a
variety of ways. Some blame their abuse on booze or on their lousy
childhood. Others deny it ever happened or minimize the incident to
the point where it barely qualifies as abuse at all.
``I remember one guy who came in here insisting that
his partner had accidentally fallen through a window when, in fact,
he had stabbed her several times in the legs,'' said Allen Silvia,
another counselor at PYCO. ``Another said his wife called to 911 by
mistake - that she was trying to call her sister and dialed the
wrong number.''
Patricia Holland-Heaps, co-director of the Center for
Non-Violence in New Bedford, described an interview with the owner
of a local construction company who insisted, rather convincingly,
that he never laid a hand on his wife. Ms. Heaps then pulled out a
copy of a police report indicating his wife had a broken nose and
two black eyes - the result of a beating with the telephone receiver
when she tried to call for help.
The fight erupted because dinner wasn't ready when the
man arrived home from work.
Experts say many men relentlessly denigrate their
partners to justify their abuse. Maybe he saw her laughing with
another man at a party so he beats her for being a slut; or she came
home drunk so he beats her for being a tramp; or maybe she didn't
clean the house properly so he beats her for being a lousy wife and
mother. In any case, the beating is for her own good - to make her
shape up and fly right.
Like Harold, many men justify their violence by
portraying themselves as the victim. Their partner ``pushed their
buttons'' and therefore is responsible for her injuries because she
goaded him into it.
The current rage among batterers is the ``O.J.
defense'' - they didn't do anything so terribly wrong and the only
reason they were arrested is that O.J. Simpson has turned society
against men.
Whatever the justification, most batterers truly don't
view themselves as the bad guy.
``They'll go rescue a woman in a bar who's being
hassled by some guy and then go home and beat up their wife,'' said
Beth Gerhardt, director of the Respect program in Attleboro and
Taunton. ``A lot of the men are genuinely shocked when they're
arrested. It's rare that someone comes into the group horrified at
what they did.''
Another favorite excuse is that they ``lost control.''
The man claims to be cursed with a hair-trigger temper and insists
his partner should have known better than to contradict him when he
was angry.
``When they tell me they were out of control, I ask
them if they've ever argued with their boss,'' said Ms. Gerhardt.
``They say `Sure.' So I ask them whether they've ever hit their
boss. They say `Of course not.' ''
Claude Verdier, director of batterers' treatment at
the Family Services Association of Fall River, uses another example
to illustrate a similar point.
``Anger is not an excuse because anger itself, does
not necessarily lead to violence,'' he said. ``Martin Luther King
was an angry man, but he channeled that anger into fighting
injustice. I use that example a lot.''
Because most men are very much in control, they often
present a very different face to the community than they do at home.
``If they were sitting in the room with us right now,
there'd be no way for us to detect that they had any problem at
home,'' said Mr. Verdier. ``The idea that there's a type of man who
batters just perpetuates the myth that this is a problem of the
underclass. They're ministers and judges and lawyers and even
therapists. No one's immune to it.''
According to David Adams of Emerge in Boston,
batterers are often very respectable, even charming people. Studies
have shown that domestic violence is found at all levels of society
- from the crowded tenements to leafy suburbs; from barrooms to
board rooms.
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Characteristics of
Abusers
Abusers are Often Blind to Their Abusive
Behavior
If
people, in relationships believe that they are entitled to give
orders--that it is their right--they don’t necessarily think that
ordering their mate around is abusive. They usually think that their
assumed rights, prerogatives and privileges make this kind of
behavior okay. They are then blind to their abusive
behavior.
Similarly, they may think that they have a right to
put down their partner, or to tell their partner what s/he’s
thinking, meaning, and so forth. They might think they are entitled
to act the way they do because of their age, because they’ve been
around the place longer, are of a superior gender or race, or
because they make more money than their mate. Their sense of
entitlement blinds them to their abusive
behavior.
The abuser may think verbal and/or physical abuse—acts
against their mate—are justified because their mate “makes them do
it.” Many people who batter both verbally and physically and who are
jailed as a consequence, believe it is their mate’s fault—as if
their mate did the verbal and physical battering. This “crazy”
thinking blinds them to their abusive behavior.
The abuser may hold a belief in the right of one
person to wield power over another person. This belief blinds
abusers to their abusive
behavior.
People who indulge in verbal abuse are also blinded to
their abusive behavior when they are lacking in the ability to
acknowledge and accept their mate’s feelings, interests, talents,
perspectives and opinions. This inability to acknowledge
others' feelings may sometimes be as a result of a personality
disorder or even a result of childhood abuse that the abuser has
experienced.
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Characteristics of
Batterers
Have low self
esteem.
Even though a lot of batterers might appear to
be 'tough", "strong", and "confident", more often than not they
really suffer from low self-esteem. They may feel that they fall
short in the area of their own sex stereotype and so they
overcompensate with hyper-masculinity. If they are emotionally
"needy", and they have become dependent on their partner, the
thought of losing that partner feels threatening and thus behaviors
of controlling and jealousy follow.
Rush in to
relationships
Many victims dated or knew their abuser
for less than six months before they were engaged or living
together. Abusers can come on like a whirl-wind claiming "love at
first sight", and using flattery such as "you are the only person I
could ever talk to", "I have never felt loved like this by anyone".
They may need someone desperately, and will pressure the other
partner to commit to a relationship before they are truely ready.
Are excessively
jealous
An abuser will
always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to
do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a
healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of
them has legitimately done something to break that trust.
Exhibit controlling
behavior
Often at the beginning, a batterer will say
that this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a
need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers
will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an
appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went,
who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not
let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or
going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask
permission to leave the house or room.
Have unrealistic expectations or
demands
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet
all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say
things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you are all I
need". They may expect you to take care of everything for them;
emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically. However, this
is not natural or healthy in a relationship. Instead, partners in
healthy relationships encourage each other to pursue their dreams,
to have friends and interests outside of the relationship and take
pride in their partner in these things.
Use isolation to keep you centered on
them
The abusive person tries to cut the partner off
from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore",
a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you are "tied to
the apron strings". The abuser will accuses people who are
supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone.
They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may
not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to
keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to
get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go
out.
Believe in male supremacy and the
stereotyped masculine role in the family.
Batterers are
often obsessive about appearing to the "the man of the house" and
they tend to hold very high and rigid rules about how they get act
because they are "the man" - often leading them to feel the need to
dominate and control and to expect their word and their needs to be
catered to at all times, including in the bedroom. The abuser sees
you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and
less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you
that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without
them. They will remind you of their "provider role" - everything
they have done for you.
Use of force during
sex
This kind of
person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless.
They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show
little concern about whether you wants to have sex, and use sulking
or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while
you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may
want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically
or verbally abusive to you.
Have poor communication
skills
Some people talk with their words, while others
talk with their fists (actions). Batterers typically have trouble
with discussing "feelings", especially very strong ones like anger
or frustration. Some may feel that "having feelings" and talking out
problems goes against the sterotyped male role that they have bought
into (see above). Without the skills or self-permission to express
themselves in constructive ways (ie in a way that feels
uncomfortable or where they feel inadequate), they often lash out
with violence.
Use drinking and battering to cope
with stress.
Batterers in general have a higher incident
of drug and alcohol abuse than non-batterers. This doesn't mean that
drugs or alcohol CAUSE the abuse, rather it lowers inhibitions
making an already frustrated and violence-prone person more likely
to fall back on violence as a crutch, especially when confronted
with their lack of communication skills and any feelings of
inadequacy.
Blame others for their actions
Commonly, batterers
use the actions of others as excuses for their own behavior. They
blame the person who made them angry, as if that person were pushing
some magic button that released violent behavior. How often have
victims heard "why did you make me do that"? If your partner is
chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out
to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting
them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They may tell you
that YOU are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong. Abusive
people will might say, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being
angry". Although they actually make the decision about how they
think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see
themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take
responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.
Are prone to
hypersensativity
Abusers are easily insulted, and may
take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and
rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of
living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket,
or being asked to help with chores.
Present dual personalities
Often the most frustrating thing for the victim, many batterers
are excellent actors. They may appear to function well at work, with
friends and family, etc. Sometimes only the battered spouse is aware
of the true "nature of the beast". This often makes it difficult for
a victim to reach out for support from friends and family, because
those persons may try to talk the victim out of thinking that their
spouse is a batterer. Often a victims friends and family will go on
and on about "what a great guy you've got there" - because the
batterer has successfully hidden their violence at home. It's even
MORE frustrating for the victim when members of their support system
try to turn the tables and say things like "well, just don't make
him mad". They're putting the blame on the VICTIM and not on the
offender where it belongs! When this happens, the violent partner
gets backup from the very people the victim NEEDS for support and
they too fall into the trap of myths about the nature and causes of
family violence!
Exhibit cruelty to animals or
children
This is a person who punishes animals brutally
or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be
capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and
younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very
critical of other people's children or any children you bring into
the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from
seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children
to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner
also beat their children. Of course the OPPOSITE of this can be true
also. Abused women often say that they stay "for the sake of the
kids, because he's a great father to them." Unfortunately, one
parent abusing another is one of the greatest risk factors for child
abuse as well as for children to sink into depression, anxiety
disorders and other mental and physical illnesses. Abuse also models
the role of violence to the children as THEY grow up and into
relationships of their own.
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The following
is adapted from Blain Nelson’s article
Denial: It's not de long river in Egypt.
Revision 15:32:03, 3 August 1998
http://www.blainn.cc/abuse/denial.htm
DENIAL
Denial at it's most basic is saying
something hasn't happened. It is extremely sick, and extremely
powerful. It is the way that we can commit abuse and still live with
ourselves. It allows us to continue being abusive by staying in the
sick place, and by allowing us to hide our sickness from others so
that we can maintain the abusive situation for a longer period of
time.
We lie to others, and most devastatingly, we lie
to ourselves.The major tactics we use in maintaining our denial are
minimizing, rationalizing, and justifying. The effect of these
tactics is to redefine what happened, what is acceptable, and what
is harmful in such a way that ultimately any act, no matter how
hideous, can be carried out.
Minimizing
Minimizing distances us from the damage we caused by
claiming that the damage wasn't as bad as it actually was. "I didn't
beat her up, I just pushed her." By minimizing the damage we have
caused, we can then blame the victim for "exaggerating" the abuse or
accuse the victim of simply making the whole thing up, depending on
the nature of the evidence we face. If there is enough evidence to
prove that we have done something wrong, we can use partial
repentance: "I'll accept the responsibility of anything you can
prove I did, and nothing more."
Rationalizing
Rationalizing is lying to oneself about what was done to make it
seem acceptable -- telling ourselves rational (sounding) lies if you
will. "She's lucky I only hit her once. Anybody else would have
beaten the crap out of her." This lying becomes more and more
practiced until we can convince ourselves of anything --
particularly when the pain of admitting the truth of what we've done
becomes larger and harder to deal with.
Justifying
Justifying is explaining why it
was okay to do what was done. "It was okay for me to tell her that I
would kill her (justifying) because she was becoming so upset and
she had to shut up before she disturbed the neighbors
(rationalizing) and I didn't really mean it anyway (minimizing). She
knows I could never hurt her."
The Cure
The
only cure for denial is for us to give up the charade and the lies
and admit to ourselves the reality of what we have done. Others can
not force an end to our denial. However, the use of truth, honesty,
and holding us accountable for our actions can go a long way in
helping us move from denial to recovery.
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Personality Disorders
There are also certain
Borderline Personality Disorders that are common
among abusers. Following is a brief synopsis of soem of these
disorders. It is estimated that approximately 2% of the general
population suffer from some type of Borderline Personality
Disorder.
A personality disorder is a pattern
of deviant or abnormal behavior that the person doesn't change even
though it causes emotional upsets and trouble with other people at
work and in personal relationships. It is not limited to episodes of
mental illness, and it is not caused by drug or alcohol use, head
injury, or illness. There are about a dozen different behavior
patterns classified as personality disorders by
DSM-IV. All the personality disorders show up as deviations from
normal in one or more of the following:
(1) cognition -- i.e., perception, thinking, and
interpretation of oneself, other people, and
events;
(2) affectivity -- i.e., emotional responses (range,
intensity, lability, appropriateness);
(3) interpersonal
functions;
(4) impulsivity.
Narcissitic Personality Disorder. Nearly
everyone has some narcissistic traits. It's possible to be arrogant,
selfish, conceited, or out of touch without being a narcissist. The
practical test is that with normal people, no matter how
difficult, you can get some improvements, at
least temporarily, by saying, essentially, "Please have a heart."
This doesn't work with narcissists; in fact, it usually makes things
worse.
What is a Personality
Disorder?
Those who struggle with a personality disorder
have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be
inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands
of life. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are
“normal” or “right,” people with personality disorders tend to have
a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in
social activities.
Recognizing a Personality
Disorder
A personality disorder must fulfill several
criteria. A deeply ingrained, inflexible pattern of relating,
perceiving, and thinking serious enough to cause distress or
impaired functioning is a personality disorder. Personality
disorders are usually recognizable by adolescence or earlier,
continue throughout adulthood, and become less obvious throughout
middle age.
What Causes a Personality
Disorder?
Some experts believe that events occurring in
early childhood exert a powerful influence upon behavior later in
life. Others indicate that people are genetically predisposed to
personality disorders. In some cases, however, environmental facts
may cause a person who is already genetically vulnerable to develop
a personality disorder.
- Antisocial Personality
Disorder
People with antisocial personality disorder
characteristically act out their conflicts and
ignore normal
rules of social behavior. These individuals are impulsive,
irresponsible, and callous. Typically, the antisocial personality
has a history of legal difficulties, belligerent and irresponsible
behavior, aggressive and even violent relationships. They show no
respect for other people and feel no remorse about the effects of
their behavior on others. These people ware at high risk for
substance abuse, especially alcoholism, since it helps them to
relieve tension, irritability and boredom.
- Borderline Personality
Disorder
People with borderline personality disorder
are unstable in several areas, including interpersonal
relationships, behavior, mood, and self-image. Abrupt and extreme
mood changes, stormy interpersonal relationships, an unstable and
fluctuating self-image, unpredictable and self-destructive actions
characterize the person with borderline personality disorder.
These individuals generally have great difficulty with their own
sense of identity. They often experience the world in extremes,
viewing others as either “all good” or “all bad.” A person with
borderline personality may form an intense personal attachment
with someone only to quickly dissolve it over a perceived slight.
Fears of abandonment may lead to an
excessive dependency on others. Self-multilation or recurrent
suicidal gestures may be used to get attention or manipulate
others. Impulsive actions, chronic feelings of boredom or
emptiness, and bouts of intense inappropriate anger are other
traits of this disorder, which is more common among
females.
-
Narcissistic Personality
Disorder
People with narcissistic personality have an
exaggerated sense of self-importance, are absorbed by fantasies of
unlimited success, and seek constant attention. The narcissistic
personality is oversensitive to failure and often complains of
multiple somatic symptoms.
Prone to extreme mood swings between
self-admiration and insecurity, these people tend to exploit
interpersonal relationships
A person
suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is incredibly
egocentric, everything in their lives has to be geared towards them,
and they always have to be right. They typically have the
following aims:
- They are always right, and the Non (other
non-BPD person) is always wrong. Their friends reinforce this,
because of the faulty perception these friends have of the Non.
- By making the Non the bad guy, the person
suffering from BPD becomes the victim and will receive sympathy
from their friends, boosting their ego, and self belief that they
are right.
- By controlling the Non's life, the Non is
made to believe that they are wrong. With no countering opinion
available, even the strongest person will be ground down.
- When the Non tries to break this control,
a confrontation will erupt. The Non is then accused of being the
aggressor and of being the bully. This is used to reinforce the
"I'm right, you are wrong" mind set and the external perception
that the Non is a bad person.
- Confrontations are often staged and
managed. The Non is either isolated from supporting witnesses, or
the BPD sufferer allows witnesses only when they can control the
perception of the witnesses against the Non.
Often when we're trying to make sense of
being in a relationship, or ending one, or recovering from one, with
a person who has BPD or its traits, and we ask "why?" the answer is
one of the following:
- Power
- Control
- Fear of Abandonment
- Fear of Engulfment
- Need to create chaos/conflict
- ANY or ALL of the above
Why is not important. It truly is
not.
What is important is what are we going
to do about the situation? How are we going to recover, get
healthier, heal, move on.
Too much energy seeking the "why?" will only
keep us from focusing on what we need to do for
ourselves.
Deedee’s Rules of Engagement for BPD
Land:
Rule #1: If anything is not as
the BPD wishes/hopes/dreams, needs/wants/desires, it is
always the fault of the Non. If the Non would just (insert
behavior, thought or action here), the relationship and their joint
lives would be perfect.
Rule #2:If for some miracle, or reason
or act of God, it is not the fault of the Non, refer to
Rule#1.
Rule #3: Everything in the reality of
the Non must be about the person with the
disorder.
Rule #4: If by some miracle, it is
not about the person with the disorder, s/he must
ensure that the entire reality of both experience changes
immediately so that it is, once more, all about the
person with the disorder.
Rule #5: If at any time the Non
figures out the Rules of Engagement for BPD Land, the BPD'er
must change the situation, rewrite history, and thereby
purchase the Non a one way ticket back to BPD Land.
Rule #6: If Rule #5 fails, the person
with the disorder must use a major hoover, promise anything,
mirror the Non exactly, seduce the Non, or engage in multiple acts
of what ever worked last time to convince the Non that "this time
will be different".
Rule #7: If Rule #4&5 fail, the
person with the disorder must immediately split the Non bad, and do
all in their power to make the Non's life absolute ****, using
raging, splitting, distortion campaigns, chaos production, threats
and intimidation, stalking, legal actions, and anything else at the
disposal of the BPD'er.
Rule #8: Repeat Rules #5 to #7 over
and over until the Non is healthy enough to leave BPD Land
forever.
-Deedee- a not so famous 21st century
recovering Non. Adapted from http://www.bpd411.org
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About 75%
of stalkers are men stalking women. But stalkers can also be women
stalking men, men stalking men, or women stalking
women.