Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Abuse?

According to Dr. Vernon Wiehe, professor of social work at the University of Kentucky and author of "Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings Become Abusive", as many as 53 out of every 100 children abuse a brother or sister, higher than the percentage of adults who abuse their children or their spouse. What some kids do to their brother or sister inside the family would be called assault outside the family.

As parents, we may be tempted to ignore fighting and quarrelling between children. We may view these activities as a normal part of growing up. We say, "Kids will be kids" or "They'll grow out of it."

However, thousands of adult survivors of sibling abuse tell of the far-reaching negative effects that such unchecked behavior has had on them as children and adults.

For instance, one person, reflecting back on her childhood, wrote: "I believed EVERYTHING my sister told me. I was dumb, homely, stupid, fat. No one would ever love me."

Sibling abuse, as all forms of human abuse, may be physical, emotional or sexual.

Emotional abuse is present in all forms of sibling abuse. It may include teasing, name calling, belittling, ridiculing, intimidating, annoying, and provoking.

Physical abuse ranges from hitting, biting, and slapping to more life-threatening acts such as choking or shooting with a BB gun.

Sexual abuse includes unwanted touching, indecent exposure, intercourse, rape or sodomy between siblings.

Children often abuse a brother or sister, usually younger than themselves, to gain power and control. One explanation for this is that the abusive child feels powerless, neglected and insecure. He or she may feel strong only in relation to a sibling being powerless. The feeling of power children experience when they mistreat a brother or sister often reinforces their decision to repeat the abuse.

How can you identify sibling abuse? Here are some useful guidelines from Dr. Wiehe:

• Identify the behavior. Isolate it from the emotions associated with it and evaluate it.

• Is the behavior age-appropriate? Remember that generally you should confront fighting and jealousy even if you tend to think it is "normal."

• How often does it happen and how long does it go on? Acceptable behavior that is long and drawn out may become abusive over time.

• Is there a victim in the situation? A victim may not want to participate, but may be unable to stop the activity.

• How does the victim respond? Victims often respond to abuse from a brother or sister by protecting themselves, screaming and crying, separating themselves from the abuser, abusing a younger sibling in turn, telling their parents, internalizing the abusive message, fighting back, or submitting.

• What is the purpose of the behavior? If it tears down another person, it is abusive.

If you suspect abuse, it's important to act quickly to stop it. An effective parental response involves the following steps:

• First, bring all children involved into a problem-solving process. Get enough fact and feeling information to assess the problem accurately.

• Restate the problem to make sure you understand it clearly.

• Help children to arrive at a child-set goal. (Goals set by parents often become rules that children will not follow.)

• Figure out alternative solutions to the problem.

• Work together to set up a contract which states the rights and responsibilities of each child. Specify appropriate ways of acting and consequences should abusive behavior occur in the future.

You can take steps to prevent sibling abuse. minimize the violence they see (and might emulate by monitoring what your children watch on TV. Reward sensitive, positive behavior among brothers and sisters. Most importantly, make it a point to be a model of positive and esteem-building behavior.

 Sibling Abuse

What is sibling abuse?

Sibling abuse is the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of one sibling by another. The physical abuse can range from relatively mild forms of aggression occurring between siblings, such as pushing and shoving, to extremely violent behavior such as the use of weapons.

Often parents don’t recognize the abuse for what it is. Typically, parents and society expect fights and other physical forms of aggression to occur among siblings. Because of this, sibling abuse often is not seen as a problem until serious injuries occur. Another factor is that in some cases, siblings may switch back and forth between the roles of abuser and victim.

Besides the immediate dangers of sibling abuse, the abuse can cause all kinds of problems on into adulthood. Being abused by a sibling can really mess up a person's life.

How common is sibling abuse?

Research shows that violence between siblings is quite common. In fact, it is probably even more common than child abuse (by parents) or spouse abuse. The most violent members of American families are the children.  It has been estimated that three children in 100 are dangerously violent toward a brother or sister. Likewise, many researchers have estimated sibling incest to be much more common than parent-child incest.  It seems that when abusive acts occur between siblings, they are often not perceived as abuse.

How do I identify abuse? What is the difference between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry?

At times, all siblings squabble and call each other mean names, and some young siblings will "play doctor". But here is the difference between typical sibling behavior and abuse:  If one child is always the victim and the other child is always the aggressor, it is an abusive situation.

Some possible signs of sibling abuse are:

• One child always avoids their sibling
• A child has changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares
• A child acts out abuse in play
• A child acts out sexually in inappropriate ways

What are some of the risk factors for sibling abuse?

Much more research needs to be done to find out how and why sibling abuse happens. Some risk factors are:

• Parents are not around much at home
• Parents are not very involved in their children's lives, or are emotionally unavailable to them
• Parents accept sibling rivalry as part of family life, rather than working to minimize it
• Parents do not stop children when they are violent (they may assume it was accidental or part of a two-way fight)
• Parents increase competition among children by:
  • playing favorites
  • comparing children
  • labeling or type-casting children (even casting kids in positive roles is harmful)
• Parents have not taught children about sexuality and about personal safety
• Parents and children are in denial that there is a problem
• Children have inappropriate family roles, for example, they are burdened with too much care-taking responsibility for a younger sibling
• Children are exposed to violence:
  • in their family
  • in the media
  • among their peers
  • in their neighborhoods
• Children have been sexually abused or witnessed sexual abuse
• Children have access to pornography

How can I prevent abuse from taking place between my children?

• Minimize the rivalries between your children.
• Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them. For example, make it clear you will not tolerate name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, or provoking.
• Don't give your older children too much responsibility for your younger kids. For example, use after-school care programs, rather than leaving older children in charge of younger ones after school.
• Set aside time regularly to talk with your children individually, especially after they've been alone together.
• Know when to intervene in your kids’ conflicts, to prevent an escalation to abuse.
• Learn to mediate conflicts.
• Model good conflict resolution skills for your children.
• Model non-violence for your children.
• Teach your children to "own" their own bodies.
• Teach them to say “no” to unwanted sexual touching.
• Create a family atmosphere where sexual issues and problems can be discussed.
• Monitor your kids’ media choices (TV, video games, and Internet surfing), and either participate and then discuss the inappropriate media messages or ban the poor choices.
• In short, stay actively involved in your kids’ lives.

What should I do if there's abuse going on between my kids?

When one sibling hits, bites, or physically tortures a brother or sister, the normal rivalry has become abuse. You can't let this dangerous behavior continue. Here's what to do:

• Whenever violence occurs between children, separate them.
• After a cooling off period, bring all the kids involved into a family meeting.
• Gather information on facts and feelings.
• State the problem as you understand it.
• Help the kids work together to set a positive goal. For example, they will separate themselves and take time to cool off when they start arguing.
• Brainstorm many possible solutions to the problem, and ways to reach the goal.
• Talk together about the list of solutions and pick the ones that are most acceptable to everyone.
• Write up a contract together that states the rights and responsibilities of each child. Include a list of expected behavior, and consequences for breaking the code of conduct.
• Make sure you don't ignore, blame, or punish the victim.
• Make your expectations and the family rules very clear.
• Continue to carefully monitor your kids' interactions in the future.
• Help your kids learn how to manage their anger.

If problems continue or violent behavior is extreme your family should get professional help.

Can sibling relationships have lasting effects into adulthood?

In the last few years, more research has been done on the lasting effects of early experiences with sisters and brothers. Siblings can have strong, sometimes long-lasting effects on one another's emotional development as adults.

Research indicates that long-term effects of sibling abuse can include:

• Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem
• Inability to trust; relationship difficulties
• Alcohol and drug addiction
• Eating disorders

Even less extreme sibling rivalry during childhood can create insecurity and poor self-image in adulthood. Sibling conflict does not have to be physically violent to take a long-lasting emotional toll. Emotional abuse, which includes teasing, name-calling, and isolation can also do long term damage.

SIBLING ABUSE

Sibling abuse, including sibling sexual abuse, commonly known as sibling incest, is more prevalent than most people would like to believe. In fact, it is probably the most accepted, and ignored, form of domestic violence.

According to Dr. Vernon Wiehe, professor of social work at the University of Kentucky and author of Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings Become Abusive, '...as many as 53 out of every 100 children abuse a brother or sister, higher than the percentage of adults who abuse their children or their spouse. What some kids do to their brother or sister inside the family would be called assault outside the family'.

 Because of the relationship of perpetrator and victim the abuse is rarely acknowledged or understood within the family. It is often hidden or minimized outside the family. 'Boys will be boys' or 'siblings fight' are often heard phrases which minimize the activity, and the damage caused by such behaviors.  Perpetrators are frequently protected by parents and other family members. This protection shields them from dealing with the consequences of their actions. The victim is also not given the help that they need in order to deal with the effects of the abuse.

Survivors of sibling abuse & sibling sexual abuse often display signs of post traumatic stress disorder. The symptoms are the result of traumatic events with which the survivor is unable to cope. There may also be signs of dissociative identity disorder or DID. Many of the symptoms of DID will also be found on the other lists of symptoms caused by severe trauma.  Some people with DID may have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and violence. The violence may be self-inflicted and/or directed at the outside.

Denial serves to reinforce the damage. The person will have problems that may last for a lifetime if they do not receive treatment.

This is a list of symptoms or warning signs that abuse is taking place or may have taken place. These are generally encountered in magnified proportions.

• Failure to thrive
• Weight loss/gain
• Anxiety and/or depression
• Listlessness
• Phobias or irrational/inexplicable fears
• Personal space/privacy issues
• Difficulty with Authority

• Passivity
• Low self esteem
• Nightmares
• Anger
• Emotional outbursts
• Frequent illness
• Withdrawal
• Sympathy issues

• Difficulty sleeping / insomnia or fear of the dark

Some abused children & adult survivors may participate in:

• Addictive behavior
• Self destructive behavior
• Self injury
• Suicide threats and/or attempts
• Aberrant sexual behavior
• Prostitution

Some abused children may become:

• Aggressive
• Disruptive
• Hyperactive
• Impulsive
• Negative

Adult survivors of abuse including sibling abuse may suffer from some of these symptoms. These symptoms may vary in degree according to type and duration of abuse. Recognizing symptoms is an important first step in recovery.  The perpetrator usually does not get the treatment that they need to stop this type of behavior. Parents and other relatives sometimes cover up the abuse out of disbelief or shame. The perpetrator continues the behavior unless they receive treatment.