Every victim
at some time wonders
"Why
Me?"
There is a
phenomena that occurs among victims of abuse - for some reason,
if you've once been an abuse victim, you are more likely to be
abused in the future than someone who has never been a victim
of abuse.
There are various theories
as to why one person ends up as a victim of abuse while other people
are not victims. Some people believe that once a person has
been abused, they adopt certain almost imperceptible habits,
motions, body movements, or traits that an abuser is
sensitive to. Some people believe that an abuser "selects" the
victim based upon character traits the victim possesses that
the abuser desires or is envious of. Some people believe that
victims see a need or trait in the abuser that the victim is drawn
toward, such as someone who "needs to be taken care of" or whom the
victim feels they can help or "save". Some of these
theories overlap, but the only thing that these theories seem to
agree upon is that "victims" typically share one or more certain
qualities or character traits, which for whatever reason tend to
make them more likely to be victimized.
I have searched for years
for reasons I have been abused by one abuser after another - I've
searched for something to help
me understand WHY. The information
that follows is by no means conclusive. However, it may provide some
insight into some characteristics that are common in victims, and it
may offer victims some sort of hope that they indeed did not do
anything to "ask for" the abuse; victims are typically loving,
compassionate individuals - they do not cause the abuse - they
are, simply, victims.
According
to Marie-France Hirigoyen in Stalking the Soul:
Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity
"...It's common to hear it said of a person who has been victimized
that they were predisposed to the condition, because of either
weakness or character deviciences...on the contrary...victims are
generally chosen for the positive qualities they have, which the
abuser then seeks to appropriate.
"Why is the victim chosen?
Because she is there, and for an unspecified reason
becomes troublesome... She is only of interest to the seducer/abuser
when she can be used or seduced. She becomes an object of hate as
soon as she tries to work her way free or has nothing left to
give... The nature of an abusive attack lies in aiming at the
other's vulnerability, where weakness or pathology exists. Every
individual exposes a weak point that the abuser will hammer away
at...An abuser shows tremendous intuition about where the weaknesses
lie, finding how best to hurt and wound. In some cases, the fault
can be exactly the one a victim refuses to acknowledge in herself...
[non-physical] Abusive violence confronts the victim with her fault
and/or forgotton childhood traumas... the victim, once the hold over
her occurs, does not have the psychological means to behave
otherwise: she is paralyzed..."
"In an abusive relationship,
the balanced equation disappears, replaced by the dominance of one
partner over the other and the impotence of the subjected partner to
react and stop the struggle. This is primarily why we are dealing
with real attacks on a person's identity. By previously establishing
control the power to say NO was taken away. Everything is dictated
with no possibility for negotiation. The victim swept into an
abusive situation tries to protect herself... 'Every individual
wavers between a desire for independence and control, and a childish
need to regain a condition of dependence, irresponsibility, and
therefore, innocence.' The victim's basic mistake lies in not
suspecting or fully appreciating the violence of the non-verbal
messages. She reads the messages too literally, without translating
what is actually said... Not only do victims suffer...but they are
ashwmed of not being able to defend themselves...when they finally
succeed wtih great effort in separating themselves, [they] feel a
great sense of relief and tremendous liberation... They fall into
the abuser's game during long periods because they are vital human
beings and want to give, even the impossible task of giving life to
an abuser: 'With me, he'll change!'"
"This energy is accompanied
by a certain fragility. Despite throwing themselves into the
hopeless task of 'resurrecting the dead', they feel uncertain of
their own strength and become almost defiant in their course of
action. They have to prove they are strong and capable because of
their self-doubt and vulnerability. This makes them especially
susceptible during the seduction phase, when the abuser validates
them and increases their feeling of self-worth. Later on, their
stubbornness becomes dangerous. They refuse to give up on the abuser
because they cannot imagine that there's no solution and that change
cannot be expected...they would feel guilty abandoning their
partner."
"...In order to destabilize
and unsettle someone, fostering and encouraging feelings of blame
and self-doubt is an obvious and effective procedure... The ideal
victim is a conscientious person with a natural tendency to blame
herself... These people love order at work and in their
relationships; they devote themselves to the people they care most
about but hesitate to accept favors from others. The attachment to
order and the desire to do good leads these people to assume more
work than the average; this gives them a good conscience, but
also makes them feel stretched to the limit with work and
responsibilities... win the other's love by giving and putting
themselves at his disposal; they also experience great satisfaction
in being useful and giving pleasure. Narcissistic abusers take
advantage of the situation. Victims can't tolerate misunderstandings
and awkwardnesses, which they try to clear up. When difficulties
pile up, they increase their efforts, feel overtaken by events, feel
bguilty, work harder and harder, get exhausted, become less
effecient and, finally, in a vicious circle, feel more and more
guilty. They'll go so far as to accuse themselves: 'It's my fault if
my partner is unhappy or abusive'. If an error is committed, they'll
assume the blame. This overexaggerated conscience is linked to fear
of failure which, together with remorse, causes them to suffer
deeply and intensely."
"They [victims] are
equally vulnerable to other people's criticisms and judgments even
when they aren't valid, and they continually justify themselves.
Abusers, sensing this weakness, take delight in instilling doubt.
'Maybe I was unconsciously guilty of what he's accusing me of?' Even
if the accusations are unfiar, they are no longer sure of their
facts and ask themselves if they shouldn't assume the blame anyway.
Both abuser and his vicim behave in an extreme fashion. Their
critical faculties become unbalanced, intensifying outwardly for the
abuser and inwardly for the victim. The victims virtually asssume
the other's guilt. They internalize the abusive element attacking
them: the look, the gestures, and the words. The narcissistic
abusers are able to project their guilt onto the victim. Denial is
the only weapon an abuser needs to create doubt after an attack. In
order to verify after the fact what has happened, certain victims
resort to a variety of devices: they keep copies of mail, they
arrange for a secret witness, or they tape telephone
conversations."
"...The ideal victims of
emotional abusers are those who, lacking confidence, feel obliged to
exaggerate so they can present a better self image at any cost... It
is therefore the victims' strong vitality that makes them 'fair
game' for the abuser... They are compelled to give, and the abuser,
to take... Added to which, one refuses to take any blame while the
other has a natural tendency to take it..."
"The victims appear naive and
credulous. Incapable of imagining the fundamentally destructive
nature of the other, they try to find logical explanations and avoid
misunderstandings. 'If I explain, he'll understand and apoligize for
his behavior.' For anyone who's not abusive, it's impossible to
imagine, from the very beginning, such a bottomless reservoir of
ill-will and manipulation... In order to deflect abusive maneuvers,
victims try to be candid and justify themselves. When a sincere
person opens up to a suspicious one, the latter usually gains the
upper hand. The keys to their conduct that victims hand over to
their agressor only increase his contempt. Victims, when faced with
an abusive attack, initially want to show understanding, adapt to
the situation, and even forgive, because they love or admire the
other person: 'If he's that way, he must be unhappy. I'll reassure
and heal him.' In a wave of maternal feeling, they believe that they
alone see what's happening and can help by giving them substance...
Victims nourish the hope that the other will change and will finally
understand and regret the pain he inflicts. They eternally hope that
their explanations and justifications will solve misunderstandings
and refuse to see that because one can intellectually and
emotionally grasp a predicament is no reason to put up with it."
"While emotional abusers
remain frozen in theri rigidity, the victims behave like chameleons:
adapting, foreseeing what's expected of them by the abuser
(consciously or unconsciously) and assuming more than their fair
share of the blame. The manipulative methods work even btter if the
abuser has previously gained the victim's confidence... The
victim's' forgiveness and lack of hard feelings makes them,
strangely, powerful. It's intolerable and frustrating for the
attacker to put up with what basically amounts to his victim's
withdrawal: 'I don't want to play the game.' The victim becomes a
living reproof, which only increases the attacker's hatred."
"[Abusers believe that] The
victims become dangerous adversaries when they begin to articulate
what they have intuitively understood.They must be silenced by
terror."
"...What makes a 'seizure of
power' so difficult to describe is the fact that it happens
gradually: first, a stretching of the person's limits. It makes
pinpointing the exact onset of violence and abuse almost
impossible. In this psychological battle, the identity of the
victims is profoundly eroded and their persona erased. They lose all
self-esteem in both their own eyes and their abusers', who have only
to get rid of them..."
Typically, a victim is or
has:
Low self esteem
and feelings of shame. Often those in abusive relationships feel
that they have attracted a batterer or they may have developed a
"pattern" of getting into relationships with partners who hurt,
degrade, humiliate, hit or otherwise abuse them. Over time the
repeated insults, threats, put downs and verbal trashing from their
partners wears away at the mental energy to fight back or to keep up
a positive image of oneself. Shame traps many victims, having a
pervasive influence on the self, relationships with others, and
emotional experiences (shame as emotional
abuse).
Self Blame for Abuser's Actions,
believes the myths about battering relationships and believes the
batterer when they use these myths as excuses for the behavior. The
classic statement here is: "if I didn't do....then I wouldn't get
hit" - or: "my partner only abuses me when I do something wrong" or:
"I shouldn't have made my partner angry enough to hit me". This
dialogue doesn't only come from within the victim, but is often
mirrorer by the abuser who is always there to reinforce the idea
that the abuse is the result of a failure on the part of the victim.
The problem here is: everyone has moments of disappointment, anger,
even rage; but the decision of how to REACT to or EXPRESS those
feelings is a personal choice made by the abuser, NOT something
brought on by the victim. An abuser can make the choice to talk
through an issue or to leave the room until they cool down. The
decision to abuse, and thus the responsibility for the violence
ALWAYS rests with the abuser.
Is a traditionalist about the
home. May strongly believe in
family unity and the prescribed feminine sex-role stereotype. These
stereotypes can be extremely strong, especially in certain ethnic
groups, cultures or ultra-orthodox religions; thus, victims living
within these structures are often the most at risk - not only
because their abusers firmly believe they have a RIGHT to treat a
victim this way, but because these same beliefs may be reinforced by
friends, family and religious leaders to whom a victim might
otherwise turn for guidance and support.
Suffers from guilt, yet denies
feelings of terror and anger. Victims often feel extreme
disappointment in themselves for not being able to accurately
predict when violence will occur. (This unpredictability, by the
way, is yet another tool in use by an abuser to purposefully keep
the victim off balance and to reduce any possible sense of
self-confidence in being able to appropriately detect and react to
pending violence.) Victims also experience guilt at "letting things
get this far" - sometimes so far that they feel they can't get out
of it. These guilts can lead to denials; not only lying about and
covering up the abuse, minimizing the abuse by trying to convince
themselves that "it's only a scratch", "it doesn't happen that
often", or "it isn't really that bad". Alcohol and drug abuse can
often become a crutch or means of escaping the constant feelings of
terror, even if just for a little while.
Has
severe stress reactions with psychophysiological complaints.
Exposure to domestic violence, especially over time, has been show
to lead to increases in headaches, panic attacks, heart attacks,
nervous disorders, stress syndromes, depression disorders and
obsessive-compulsive behaviors (pulling out hair, rocking, excessive
cleaning, etc.).
Believes that no one will be able to help resolve the predicament
and goes through cycles of assistance. Sometimes this belief is
based on information planted by the abuser who might convince a
victim that if assistance is sought, the abuser will know. They may
claim to have friends "inside" the police department or courts or
threaten additional violence or even death if they find out that the
victim has been trying to get help. Other times, victims may have
concrete ideas about what assistance they would need to escape -
then when they don't find that specific setup, they become convinced
that their situation is hopeless. For those trying to help victims,
it is vital that even when a victim turns down help or doesn't seem
interested, that information and options continue to be presented at
every opportunity. Victims often have entire laundry lists of
problems and fears that make them reluctant to try to escape abuse -
the more of these you can help to address, the more hope becomes
accessible to the victim who might Refuse help by: making
excuses/"can't fit it into my schedule"; disposing of help from
others (brochures/books/ referrals); avoiding those trying to help
(friends/family/etc.); might Consider help by: calling a shelter or
hotline for information; checking a website for information; writing
down phone numbers and keeping them handy; might Seek help by:
approaching friends; approaching relatives; approaching clergy;
getting help from a shelter or social service agency; getting away,
even for a little while (like going to a motel).
from AARDVARC
